Adequately Reserved

A quick summary of my work in recent years May 1, 2009

Between December 1999 and May 2001, I made six trips to the Amazon to perform certain functions fulfilling duties as an independent contractor with the League of Superheroes. Included in these (not an exhaustive list) were saving Blazing Bolt from three independently designed death traps, two of which were designed by Insanium Man; stopping a nefarious corporation from strip-mining a mountain range adjacent to the river; and protecting a hidden tribe of Amazon women, earning an honorary chieftain status within their clan.

For the next three years I was held in a secret prison in Rwanda and interrogated using ancient Chinese methods perfected during the Warring Nations period (despite learning my interrogators’ long-dead language, my memory was rewritten to prevent me from exacting justice). It should be noted here that I did not give any vital information to my interrogators. I eventually escaped by crafting a skull key out of the bones of the raw fishheads they gave me for my one weekly meal. After unlocking my cell, I proceeded to disable no less than 10 ninja guards, steal the legendary magic carpet of the immortal necromancer al-Wahir Zahanarhi, outrace between five and six dozen Tomahawk missiles and thousands of rocket-propelled grenades upon my wizardly vehicle, and make it to the nearest U.S. embassy. This is a summary; I have left out certain superfluous information; please see my completed filed report for those items excluded here (e.g., the discovery of my first skull key attempt and punishment in what my captors colloquially called the Desert Scorpion Box; the thirteen days and nights of solving riddles upon a tightrope; etc.) Some information has also been withheld for state security purposes.